Weight is something I struggle with a lot. If you are a regular reader of my blog, or even just my social media, you'll know my relationship with food and my weight is a constant battle and I have good days and bad days and some really bad days.
Recently, I've been losing weight. As always, it's been fluctuating a lot but I've been losing, and any loss is a loss which is obviously way better than a gain in my case. However, while I haven't noticed much weight change myself, other people have been commenting over the last few weeks over my weight loss and change in body shape, which has obviously made me feel far happier with myself and a lot more confident.
Which is why today, I wanted to talk to you guys about clothes. More specifically, the sizes of clothes.
I can confidently say I am a size 12. On good days, I am a size 10. On bad days (aka when I'm in H & M) I can sometimes be a 14. *Note I say bad day: bad for me as that's bigger than my usual size. There is nothing wrong with being a size 14 at all!* But in the last few years I've found shopping such a struggle. I can no longer say that I'm a solid size 12 because my size genuinely varies so much from shop to shop. I used to be able to go into a shop, pick up my size, know it would fit and buy it. Now I have to try on three sizes and find that one is too small and one is too big and one fits my waist but not my bum or whatever. Shopping is impossible.
This really stops me from wanting to shop, particularly if I'm looking to buy fitted items, such as a bodycon dress. I don't want to have to buy a size bigger when I know I'm not! I want to be able to buy my size, even a size smaller when I know I've been losing weight! Is that really too much to ask?
And then it dawned on me.
Why the heck does it matter? Why the heck do I care?
Let me share a few secrets with you.
A while ago, I did a fashion shoot for my blog, a haul of all my Autumn clothes. And I'm not gonna lie when I say I know I look pretty damn good in the photos- not because I'm just feelin' myself but also because a lot of people gave me a lot of compliments; this doesn't normally happen and so I know these photo's were good! So here, I think I look pretty good, body shape is looking pretty on point. The body suit? A size 10. The jeans? A size 14. What a contrast is that?
This outfit? The jeans are a size 12. The shirt is a petite size 10. The gillet is also a size 10.
Bear with me because the extremes keep coming.
This photo slaaaaaaays, right? This was the one you guys loved the most! Well guess what? That top is a size 10. That skirt? That gorgeous, lovely leather skirt that I look so sassy in? That's a size 16. Yep, you read that. A size 16. It's from Boohoo's plus sized section. Plus sized.
I know I'm not fat. My belly isn't flat, it's got a little flabby pooch on the front of it, but I'm not fat, I'm not a 16 and I'm definitely not what people would consider plus sized; the fact that I'm wearing a Boohoo top and skirt in a size 10 and a size 16 says it all, I feel. You can't be one size anymore!
I nearly didn't buy a leather skirt this year. I was having such a hard time finding one that would fit over my hips, as leather isn't a very generous fabric! I could just about squeeze into a size 14 and I was like no. I refuse to buy a 16 when I know I am a 12!
And then it dawned on me. It really doesn't fucking matter, does it? Who the hell is going to know what size this skirt is? (Well, you all will now...). No one is going to look at the label, no one is going to point and stare and say "Ugh, she's wearing a size 16 and she's meant to be wearing a 12!". No one even needs to know my size!
There is nothing wrong with wearing a 16. There is nothing wrong with wearing a 12. There is something wrong with body shaming, which has happened to me enough to make me feel embarrassed about my clothing sizes. At the end of the day though, who cares? If you like how you look and if you feel good in what you're wearing, who the hell cares?
I can now squeeze into some size 8 items. I can fit size 10. I can comfortably wear size 12, and even 14's. And if I'm shopping for something in a not-very-generous fabric like leather, fuck it, I have to try a 16.
I am pretty happy with how I look. I'm happy with how I dress. I like my style.
If the size of an item bothers you that much, cut the label out. Don't let the number on the label stop you from buying something because honestly, the sizes vary so much from shop to shop and you're never going to be the same size everywhere. Don't be disheartened if you find you have to go a size or two up. Celebrate if you can get into a size smaller! But don't ever feel ashamed about the size you're having to buy if you love how you look. Size is really just a number.