I changed my mind

When I was younger, I wanted a life that emulated that of my parent’s; married with kids and a house by the time I was 22 years old.

Lol, okay. Next joke please!

I’m 22 in six months and haven’t even made it past a second date with someone in the last 18 months, let alone be anywhere near a marriage, moving out of my mums or a pregnancy deadline!

But not only that- I’ve decided that I want a completely different life for myself than the one that I envisioned when I was younger. I wanted to live in a big house with a husband who had a good job while I stayed at home looking after our two children, a son and a daughter, and our assortment of pets. That was my dream- and now, to me, it seems like such a sad one! Of course, there were dream jobs I wanted- mainly to be a singer or in a band, or a writer (Jacqueline Wilson was my biggest inspiration), then as I reached 11/12/13 I wanted to work in radio and TV and be Fearne Cotton, but ultimately I wanted to be a mum and a wife, above anything else. I’ve always loved babies and been incredibly maternal, mothering a lot of my friends, and I’m also a total romantic at heart- I love being in a relationship and, as weird as it sounds, I’m good at being in one too.

I've always been very maternal with babies! 

So…what changed?

I got older! No, but really, that’s all that’s changed. I got older, my perception of the world changed and I gained different life experiences that made me want different things. 

First of all, I became incredibly career driven. At 18 I found out what I really wanted to do with my life and I have worked incredibly hard at it every single day since then. Every. Single. Day. I am so driven and so ambitious, I can’t imagine having to deal with running a family home and having kids while trying to maintain a successful career. Obviously I know that it's totally possible to do this, I know people who successfully do both, and this is a mind set that could change in future, but right now that’s the headspace I’m in.

"Call me selfish, call me insane, but it’s my life and that’s what I want"

In addition to this, I watched my parents go through a divorce, as well as going through a nasty break up myself and both of these incidents really just changed my outlook on relationships. I find it a real struggle to open up to people now, and I’ve realised that even relationships you think might last forever, probably won’t. I’m sure I’ll become a little less cynical in future, perhaps if I find someone I really do like (love? Lol, maybe) but for now, I just feel like I’m probably going to spend my life being an independent woman, a glamorous aunt to any children my sisters may have and a cool ‘aunt’ to the babies my friends may have. I’ll be a bit like Samantha in SITC but a little less provocative…

I’m also incredibly selfish. I know how much alteration happens to your body when your pregnant and when you have a baby, from physical changes to mental and emotional changes and I just don’t want to do that to myself. I love myself, my body and where I'm at within myself, and I have worked incredibly hard to reach that stage; I don’t want it to change. I also don’t want to weaken my pelvic floor so that I wee whenever I sneeze, alter my hormone balance so I don't feel like myself in the way that I used to and everything else that often isn’t spoken about publicly when it comes to pregnancy. I have nothing but utter respect for women who do have babies, and have seen firsthand just how hard being a parent can be, but I really feel like it’s not for me!

It's taken me such a long time to feel comfortable in my own skin and get over my incredibly low mental health dip.

Furthermore, have you seen the state of the world right now? Do I really want to bring a child into this mess, this God awful mess? No, I don’t think so. I don’t want to bring a child into the world where they could die at a concert of their favourite singer or band, be taken hostage by ISIS, suffer at the hands of relentless online bullies, fall pregnant and not be able to get an abortion should they choose to or suffer because they’re a woman in a world that only favours men. I’d much rather adopt a child who is already living in this cruel world and is in need of a loving home than bring a new one into this world.

This might change again- maybe in two years, maybe in five, maybe in ten, or maybe never! Who knows? All I know is that this is the head space I am in now- no kids and no marriage. I want to just happily be me and sail through life being successful, accomplished and happy! Call me selfish, call me insane, but it’s my life and that’s what I want.

What are your goals in life? Have they changed since you were younger? Share yours with me in the comments below!

Love from,
Florence Grace


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