No such thing as 'too much' love
The other day, I shared a post on Facebook that really hit home with me. It said:
"My ex used to scold me for wanting affection & my current boyfriend just squatted down next to me to give me kisses JUST because he is getting in the shower. He goes out of his way every single day, SEVERAL times a day just to make sure I feel loved. I prayed about that & I got answers. I always thought the problem was me, that I was just “needy”. No ladies that’s not the case, the person that God designed just for you is out there. Be patient."
I honestly related to this post so much - and I know I'm not the only girl, or even boy, who probably can. So I thought it was time to speak about this a little bit more.
Some days, I feel needy. I've spoken about how my previous relationship was an unhealthy, abusive one, but whilst I try to suppress memories of what it was like, the other day I discovered a diary from 2013, full of pages that provided intense detail into the ins and outs of my relationship, including the abuse. Sentences such as "I don't know what he'll do next" and "He told me it didn't matter if he hurt me because I hurt myself" were two of many that felt like a punch in the chest as I read them. When trying to read a daily entry out loud to Jonny, I had to stop and turn away, my chest going so tight I could hardly breath. Day in, day out, I was writing the same thing. "He didn't text me today", "he lied about where he was", "he didn't want to see me today", "he cancelled plans with me today". It was heartbreaking to read, and as I was forced to think back on the relationship, I simply couldn't believe how much I had allowed myself to put up with.
As a result, some days I feel needy. Asking for help, of any kind, feels needy. Wanting to spend time together, feels needy. Wanting to make plans for the future feels risky, uncertain, leaves me fearing I could be cancelled on at any second. It took me a very, very long time to learn that this isn't needy at all - it's called being in love, and it's what a real relationship looks like.
The person you're with will be happy to hang out with you, to drop you a text, to build a relationship with you. They won't lie, they won't make excuses, they won't ignore you for days on end. They'll communicate, they'll be honest and trustworthy - everything a great partner should do and be.
It's no secret that I was more than a little bit scared when I started a relationship with Jonny last September. I had wall after wall after wall up to protect my stone cold heart - but he smashed through them all and melted me.
He makes me see that in fact, I'm not needy. I love him the exact right amount, and he loves me. We cuddle all the time (seriously, it's almost all we do I swear!), I often find myself lingering in the doorway of the bathroom whilst he's showering and having a chat, and him me. He calls me all the time, at lunch, on his way home from work, on his way to picking me up. We tag each other in cute dog pictures and funny memes. He kisses me randomly, he kisses me when he's leaving, when he's home from work. I let him sleep on my chest like a big man-baby when he's tired, and baby him when he's sick or sleepy. He makes me hot water bottles when I have cramps, he drives me wherever I need, I make him sandwiches every night. He's never laid a finger on me in a violent way (other than we're pretending to be UFC fighters and he's trying to break free of my death grip) and I am confident he never would.
He has shown me there is no such thing as "too much" love.
There's no such thing as "too much" affection.
I've loved before and been told it was too much, only to then be left feeling like it wasn't enough when he cheated on me. I was told I was clingy, needy, pathetic. I was told I "didn't need to be cuddled all the time", I was denied love and affection almost every day and, because it was my first relationship and I was so young, I just believed that was how it was meant to be.
And when I came out the other side of that relationship, miserable, unhappy and feeling totally defeated, I vowed that "love" sucked and I wouldn't participate in it ever again. How wrong was I?
I always thought the problem was me, that I was just “needy”. No ladies that’s not the case, the person that God designed just for you is out there. Be patient.
I was patient. Patient for 18 months. 18 months of endless fuckboys, of having my feelings walked all over, of building up walls I never wanted broken down because I didn't want to get myself hurt ever again. I prayed to God for some kind of happy ending, and 18 months down the line, he gave it to me. Boy, did he give it to me.
Jonny is the person who was designed just for me. He was never my type, I never planned to be interested and I certainly wasn't looking for a boyfriend...but it happened anyway. Aren't they always the best kind of relationships?
Ladies (and gents!), be patient. If the person you're with makes you feel like you have to battle every single day for their love and affection, I'm telling you now, they're not for you. The right person will give you all the love and affection you want, and more, for free. No hassle, no stress, no need to ask or even beg for it. They will love you freely and will accept your love in return, no questions asked. That's the relationship you deserve to be in. Not one where you're always left to second guess.
You're not the problem. You're not needy. You're not "too much". And the right person will agree with me on that.